Sunday, November 27, 2011

"holy" crap

i decided to check my email this morning before getting ready for church. i needed time to sit and drink my coffee and have a simple and easy task i could perform while my daily caffeine kicked in.

this is the first email i clicked on:

I just saw your church listed as a GAY friendly church on

To accept sexual deviancy as normal is a sin.
You put your soul in danger of eternal damnation for welcoming unrepentant homosexuals into God’s house. You blaspheme the Name of God.
Homosexuality should be criminalized. Homosexuals commit crimes against God, against nature, against the Holy Bible and against the human race.
Because of your church, I now know why God wrote:
Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
Romans 1:24 Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves:
:26 For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature:
:27 And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.

SAY THIS PRAYER: Dear Jesus, I am a sinner and am headed to eternal hell
because of my sins. I believe you died on the cross to take away my sins
and to take me to heaven. Jesus, I ask you now to come into my heart and
take away my sins and give me eternal life.

Rev Donald Spitz

i chose not to add it to my spam folder until i had a chance to add it here. now let me warn you that if you click on the link to army of god you will be taken to a home page with horrific pictures of dead babies and a "lovely" little rant as to why the murder of abortionist george tiller was justified. honestly, it is not worth looking at; just trust me and don't go there.

now what's funny about this email is that it was even sent to me in the first place. honestly, did they really believe that sending it would make me change my mind about homosexuality? did they really think that i would read this and suddenly "repent?"

it's also somewhat funny/disturbing that they found my email address at i couldn't find any church i served or belonged to on the list (although i'm pretty sure that at least one church i served was on the list at one point in time.)

what's not funny about this (and oh, there are SO many un-funny things about this organization) is the time and energy that was wasted in just sending out this email; time and energy that could have been spent legitimately helping someone. if nothing else it could have been time spent telling someone that God loved them ~ because that's what being a christian is actually supposed to be about.

luckily, lrns, my awesome brother had also sent me pictures of my nephew being ridiculously cute and adorable to temper my temper about the email from the "reverend" spitz. then i went to church where Jesus' love wasn't just talked about but also enacted by the people there. and yes, we have a gay couple at church and what's amazing is how much of a non-issue it is to everyone. the fact they they are gay just doesn't seem to matter at all - to any of them.

i thought about replying to spitz's email, but that would be a really dumb so instead i'm going to respond to it by continuing to live a life of acceptance and love of my neighbor - as best as i can - and encourage you all to do the same.

God's peace y'all

Sunday, November 06, 2011

displaced, but not without a home

Last Saturday as I was valiantly attempting to finish a wedding/costume dress for my Meggles’ Halloween wedding a nor easter decided to reign terror down upon Connecticut.  Since I had spent more hours fighting with my sewing machine than actually sewing up to that point imagine my frustration when the power went out and I was unable to even hand stitch anything. This is what I get for volunteering myself for so much, but Meggles’ is my long lost prodigal sister and she and the short man started dating when she lived with us over 8 years ago in New Jersey. I was there standing with her in my bathroom when she read the positive pregnancy test that heralded the coming of the purple pixie. Being back in one another’s lives is a really joyful gift and while I admittedly went overboard, I was not under any duress when I jumped.

I only discovered that they wanted to get married on Halloween about a month ago which was about the time that they decided to finally do it. Eight years and 2 more kids later they finally agreed that it was about time. I wrote the ceremony, made the headpieces, boutonnieres, corsages, wedding favors, and cannibalized my wedding dress to make a black and blue renaissance themed dress. When I say that I was sewing up to the last second, well that’s not entirely true… actually I was doing her hair up until the last second.
It was amazing and totally worth it despite all the stress and they insisted that we stay with them until our power came back on at home. Living with 2 extra adults and 3 more kids under the age of 8 has been an experience. Usually I wouldn’t volunteer to put myself in any kind of position like this because I would never put anyone else in the position to volunteer themselves to have us unless they were biologically obligated. The Silent Prince is able to destroy any home within seconds. The short man walked into the bedroom we’ve been staying in  a few hours ago, took one look at the wreckage and declared, “I love it!” Let me be clear that when I say wreckage I am not even coming close to accurately describing the state of the bear cubs’ room. And the Prince has discovered how to climb up into the top bunk.

It really sucks not being able to be in my own home, surrounded by all the things that make me comfortable and allow me to do what I need to do, but this has been truly wonderful. I’ve had a boost of energy that I don’t typically have – I’ve even helped with dinner 2 nights in a row – even after a full day of stuff! It’s not exactly been a vacation, but it’s not easy to describe it in human terms any other way. I’ve been displaced before; I’ve been unable to go home for all sorts of reasons in the past. It’s rare that I’ve been in this kind of position and still felt “at home”, but that’s what it’s been.

And the best part is feeling like it’s also been true for the people whose home it actually is. Hubby went home for the night so that he could get to work tomorrow. A neighbor texted me to tell me that they were headed home because the power was restored about the same time hubby got a call from another neighbor that all our lights were on. When I shared the news with meggles and the short man there was a combined reaction of that’s awesome and but we don’t want you to leave. Hubby will return tomorrow and we’ll stay one more night then head home sometime on Friday. It’s a relief that we can return to our sense of normal and that we will be doing so with minimal stress because we’ve been here.

I’ve never believed that God causes tragedy in anyone’s life to “teach them a lesson”, but I do believe that God takes the tragedy in life and repaints the picture for us if we are willing to wait for the brush strokes. My new picture has been of a second home coming out of a nor’easter.

God's peace y'all

Saturday, September 24, 2011


well, this is embarrassing. i accidentally published my draft then was certain that i had gotten it to revert back from a published post to a draft. i then promptly forgot about it because i expected that i would get back to writing the draft - no worries.

except that my draft didn't go back to being a draft; it stayed a post without me knowing.

so if you read the post on autism and faith please forget it - that way it will be new the next time you read it.

God's peace y'all

Monday, September 12, 2011

autism and faith

Editor's note: without realizing it i accidentally posted my draft so it's quite possible that some of what you are about to read you've read before. however, it was a draft and has been edited ~ so it is different ~ i promise! thanks.

after my last few posts, a seminary buddy sent me a message through facebook asking me about leading worship when there were children with autism in the congregation. i told her i would give it some thought and maybe blog about it then share it with her. chances are this is going to be an on-going kind of blogable topic and here's why: i believe that worship is a public event. it's something we do in a community outside of our private spaces; taking a child with autism into any public space in order to participate in a public event is incredibly difficult. the number of issues that you can encounter and risks that you face in performing such an activity are exponential.

if you are a parent remember what it was like to take an infant or toddler out into public. now triple all the preparations you made, add all the extras you would take along (diaper bag, snacks, bottles/sippy cups, extra clothes, toys, etc), then change the weight of your child to aproximately 60-70 pounds, make your child mobile, fast, 50 times stronger, and completely unpredictable. oh, and don't forget to factor in at least an hours worth of time for any unforseen melt-down, potty accident, just played-in-the-dirt-in-my-easter-sunday-best-now-i-need-new-clothes-on possiblity and that's what it's like to take my child out for a dinner at mcdonalds or to church on a sunday morning.

the question my friend asked about making worship more welcoming to children and their families is really a question that can be asked of any organization or business where public events take place. as the autism spectrum rate continues to grow i encounter more and more people working in service-type-jobs who get it. i'm always relieved when our waiter or waitress let's us know that s/he is closely connected to a child with autism when taking our drink orders. it means that they know we are going to need extra napkins and hot plates of food to be put on the table quickly and out of the prince's reach. and as a side note, we are almost always prepared to tip well because we know that we are going to need extra attention and that we will be leaving a mess when we are done our meal.

i know many parents who struggle with taking their typical child/ren to church and perhaps it's the same for parents in other religions. i get that it's not easy and there are many congregations out there that claim that they welcome children into worship, but really don't have any clue how to actually do that or worse they say that they welcome children but actually do the exact opposite of welcoming in the way that they treat children and their care-givers. i get that for many families sunday is the only day left in the week to sleep in (personally i see that as a cop-out, but that's just me.) i also know that i'm really blessed by being a part of a congregation that does welcome children and loves my kids. i know this by the way they interact with both the prince and the princess.

it's that interaction that makes the difference. so what is it that they do and what can other congregations do in order to welcome autistic children and their families?

let me start by giving you some background.

first off, worship stuff is one of my (trying to say this without sounding cocky) gifts. i've written worship materials that have been used in lutheran congregations all over north america and most recently wrote materials for (the organization begun by bono of U2 to end poverty). i'm not necessarily a big-shot or a household name in the liturgical field, but i do believe i can claim some expertize in the area. worship is a big deal to me and i could write volumes on my philosophies on how it should be done. to be a bit more brief, i believe worship is primarily something we do for God, but to make it autentic and real it should also be done in the voice of the people doing it.

sometimes we need to be taken outside of our comfort-zones, especially in our faith lives, but having an identity and knowing who and what we are needs to inform us when it comes to gathering as a community and acting out our purpose. if our purpose is worship then to make it autentic we need to be who and what we are when doing it. for example; a primarily spanish-speaking congregation is going to have difficulty if their worship rite is in german even if that is the tradition of the denomination. to be authentic they're going to sing spanish hymns and incorporate spanish traditions.

one of my pet peeves (and something i've certainly been guilty of) is when congregations try to be something that they are not ~what i have been guilty of in the past has been trying to make congregations be something that they are not. i'd like to think that maybe i've learned to first try and figure out who the congregation is then help them be that... but i digress.

the congregation that hubby is a pastor of has a lot of gifts; they have also had experience dealing with kids with autism before.

when i was still working as a pastor in a church i discovered that it was necessary to hire a sitter to bring the silent prince to church and sit with him on sunday mornings. my amazing church secretary had a daughter who was at the exact right age to babysit and she soon became our go-to sitter. the parsonage (the church-owned home that we lived in) was right next door to the church i served and she would meet us at church before worship and take care of the prince at church or at the house until hubby or i got home. it was a great arrangement and while taking care of my kids she decided that what she really wanted to do with her life was to work in the early childhood development field.

when i went on disability and began worshipping with the hubby's congregation i found myself frustrated by the fact that worship was still a great deal of work. i would look around at other parents in the congregation as they held their kids or handed them some cherrieos as they quietly colored in the children's bulletin and then jump out of my seat to chase the prince down the center aisle as he flung his arms around and made loud happy sounds during the sermon or the prayers.

sunday mornings were not meditative or rejuvinating and no matter what my therapist said it wasn't enough that i had brought him to church to expose him to the people and the people to him.

now lots of christians will say that sunday is their sabbath. i don't tend to agree. the sabbath takes place between friday at sundown to saturday at sundown. sunday is resurrection day and a completely different concept from the sabbath day. sundays are supposed to be a day when we act out what the resurrection means for the world. it is a day of labor - good labor where we act out our faith because we have been promised resurrection and new life.

some people in the congregation noticed that having the prince in church was not an easy task and they began to ask questions. those questions led a group of people to take care of the prince when i was supplying in different congregations. it was a wonderful set-up and took some of the stress off of hubby when i wasn't there. however, i still felt overwhelmed and frustrated on those days when i was his primary care-giver during the service.

parents of children with autism can have a hard time asking for help. maybe it's because we know that the kind of help we need can be burdensome. when we go to a family event it's hard to enjoy being with others because we need watch the prince and asking uncles, aunts, or cousins to watch him for a bit seems unfair; they are there to have fun too and watching the prince is incredibly hard work. the same is true when going to church. i know that the people there want to be active participants in worship. they want to sing the hymns and listen to the sermon. they want to be filled and fed with all the good things that worship can give us so that they can go out into the world and do those things that christ has called them to do.

it was one thing to ask volunteers to help with the prince when i wasn' there; it was another to ask volunteers to take him when i was there. - at least, that's how i felt -

finally i made the decision to ask our sitter if she would work for us on sunday mornings again. it made all the difference when i knew that someone else was there to be responsible for him so that i could listen to the sermon and participate in worship the way others did. and after worship i actually got to have coffee during coffee hour and have conversations with people. autism can keep family members from times of fellowship, something that i believe is part of worship. "go in peace, serve the lord." isn't a conclusion to worship, but a piece of it. fellowship- spending time with members of our church families is still a piece of how we worship God.

when our sitter made the move to another state we searched for another sitter who has been with us for several months now. she's been a blessing, but last week she informed me that she would have to give up babysitting for us at the end of the year so she could have more time to focus on school. figuring out what to do next is scary and frustrating. it will take months to find someone else and the process is more about luck than anything else. i've started praying; the first step in a process like this.

so now the question again: how can congregations be welcoming to families with autism?

more to come...

God's peace y'all,

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

amusement, orange wristbands, and generosity

for her last birthday the princess kitty asked her fantastic uncle (because calling him her "great-uncle" makes him sound old) for tickets to lake compounce. we went last year when someone else had given us tickets as a gift. we had such a wonderful time and the best part was how much fun the silent prince had while we were there. the princess kitty, always thinking of her younger brother, wanted a gift that she could share with him so last saturday we put on our bathing suits, packed some bags, and made our way to the water/amusement park.

it started off great. the silent prince and his big sister had a blast in the water park. hubby and i were having a great time too despite the fact that the water was freezing. the princess kitty and i decided that we should take her brother up one of the water slides specifically for little kids. she and i both agreed that she should go down the slide with him, but when we finally made it to the top of the slide the attendant told us that only one child could go at a time (and i was too tall to ride) and that a lifeguard would be at the bottom of the slide.

the princess kitty went first and i put the silent prince into position. he's gone down slides before and he had just been on some of the other water slides. water gushes out of the top of the slide to help propel bodies down the slide. i gave the prince a "ready, set, go" and then a little push. he started off in the gush of water, went about 7 or 8 feet past the gush to the point right before the first real drop on the slide and stopped then stood up.

i yelled to him. i called his name. i ordered him to SIT DOWN. he just stood there enjoying the view.

if my first mistake was taking him up the slide in the fist place then my second mistake was not just going out onto the slide to get him instead of asking the attendant if i could just go get him.

i don't know how long he stood there as i kept insisting that i would go get him. at the bottom of the slide hubby was trying to convince the attendant at the bottom to let him into the kiddie-only pool at the bottom of the slides. the princess kitty, already upset that the attendant wouldn't let her ride the slide down with her brother, started to panic.

the attendant told me a lifeguard was coming to get him. i told her once again that i thought i should just go out and get him. i was at the point of saying "to hell with you, i'm going" when the lifeguard finally made his way up the slide and walked the prince back up the slide to me.

at the bottom of the slide i comforted the princess kitty who was now in tears and hubby and i agreed that it would have saved all of us a great deal of grief if i had just gone out and gotten him.

since it was still the beginning of our visit a quick recovery was needed. hubby took the prince for a walk and i took the princess for a raft ride that ended in an awesome waster slide. it made all the difference for the both of us.

no, that isn't us going down the slide

after a late - and very expensive lunch - we headed towards the amusement park rides. last year the prince loved one particular ride - the rainbow rider- so we made that our first destination. when we had been on the ride before i was able to get one of the best pictures ever of the two kids.

because it was labor day weekend and a saturday there were lines for every ride, including the rainbow rider. i held our spot while hubby walked the prince around. when we got to the front of the line there was one "teacup" left for the ride, but the attendant closed the gate before we could get through. she explained that she had to let two other girls jump ahead of us because they had a special wrist band.

as the two sisters walked past us i immediately knew that the younger girl was autistic.

hubby continued walking the prince and the mom, attendant and i quickly struck up a conversation about the bright orange wristband. the the younger daughter was indeed autistic and had difficulty waiting in lines. if i went to guest relations they would give the silent prince one too which would allow us to go to the front of every line and ride the same ride twice in a row if we wanted. i then told her about how he had stood up in the middle of the water slide.

"that was your son? you know, when i saw him i said to my daughter, 'i bet he's autistic.'"

at guest relations the dad in line in front of us struck up a conversation with us about getting the wristbands. apparently the park trains their staff on interacting with families of children with autism. we had a nice chat and both our sons said hello to each other. when it was his turn to go to the window he let us skip ahead of him, i think it was probably obvious to him that the prince was completely done with waiting.

i now know that lake compounce partners with autism speaks every year and even has an autism awareness day each year. this is something i'm going to remember for next june.

the wristband made all the difference. honestly, i felt like a vip being able to go to the front of every line. of course the silent prince only tolerated the wristband for about 5 minutes before insisting on getting it off of his wrist at which point i simply tied it onto a hair-tie that i wore around my wrist.

it was such a great day that we stayed until the park closed, something hubby and i had been adamant about not doing.

the princess kitty saved the summer for me- for all of us. back in may, when she pondered what she would ask for from her fantastic uncle she wanted something that we could use as a whole family. talk about perspective! (see my previous post) being able to include her brother in things we do makes her happy. finding a place where we can actually do that is a challenge. but all of us left the park that day feeling positive, happy, and content.

i had expected and prepared for a high-stress day. i expected that i would be a miserable mess on the ride home. i was certain that i would go to bed that night bemoaning the fact that family outings are near impossible for our household. instead my whole perspective on the summer was set right again.

it is all thanks to the generosity of my daughter and her fantastic uncle.

peace y'all

Monday, September 05, 2011

damn those starving children in africa

if you were a child who didn't like eating their vegetables you probably heard this at one point in time, "finish your dinner; there are starving children in africa." i can't really remember having heard my parents pull that one on me, not because i always ate all my dinner, but because they weren't really the type of parents to guilt us kids into getting things done - at least not that overtly. it could also be that on some occassion my brother or i was smart enough to respond with the ultimate retort to that statement: "so why don't we send them the rest of my dinner?"

i've been complaining way too much which was not what my intention was in restarting this blog. part of me wants to feel guilty. how could i possibly complain about a hurricane cutting my vacation short when people have died from it or lost their homes? i should be more positive; i should consider all the good things that have happened; i should focus on all my blessings afterall there are starving children in africa.

sometimes perspective helps. take for instance waiting in line at the walmart. there was one customer between the customer at the register and me when there was a price check. when that transaction was finally completed the cashier apologized profusely for the wait (which had only taken  about 2 minutes). the woman ahead of me assured the cashier that all was well and i agreed. there are far bigger issues to worry about than an extra 2 minute wait in a place where one expects to wait... afterall, there are starving children in africa.

and the sad part was how suprised and apreciative the cashier was that we had that perspective. according to him most people would have been in a screaming fit by the time they reached the register.

sometimes perspective doesn't help at all. yes, there are starving children in africa, but in the right now life is unbearable. for example, at about the same time hurricane katrina hit we were all displaced from our home because the silent prince had almost died from lead posioning. the 4 of us were living in a 2 bedroom apartment with the dog and 2 cats. it was a crappy apartment, we had no cable, internet, or cell service- therefore no entertainment- and we couldn't go back home until the house was completely abated. ok, not the superdome, but it was horrible and sent me into a deep and dreadful depression that lasted for years and left me on long-term disability. perspective - what perspective?

i'm reminded of a quote someone once shared with me: "People who think of others first will have great troubles, but they will seem to them small. People who think of themselves first will have small troubles, but they will seem to them great."

everyone loses perspective occasionally; people are, by nature, selfish creatures. what makes the difference, at least in my opinion, is to try to be the kind of  person who thinks of others first and to give yourself a break on those occasions when you do lose perspective.

and sometimes perspective doesn't really matter. there are times when it's completely and totally ok to wallow in your own misery, to bitch and complain, weep and wail, and say to hell with those starving children in africa. the trick is not to live life in that place, but to live in a place where you remember that you don't hold the patent on pain. living in that place takes practice and intentional giving.

intentional giving is simple generosity: give to a cause on a regular basis; practice simple acts of kindness; be nice to cashiers and make it a habit.

i admit that i am a selfish being, but being a habitual giver is the thing that always puts my life back into perspective when i've been complaining too much, wallowing too much, weeping and wailing too much. it doesn't dismiss my pain or make it meaningless. it doesn't inflict guilt upon me because i focused on myself instead of others when i was hurting deeply. it allows me to hurt and then helps me to heal.

it gives me back a knowledge of my blessings and helps me believe that i am indeed blessed.

God's peace y'all and many many blessings!


Tuesday, August 30, 2011


as long as you don't mind me complaining about my life...

we still have no cell service even though i was startled awake at 2:00am when a sudden bar of connectivity produced several text and voicemail alerts to emminate from my phone which was right next to my head. it hasn't worked since.

i've been dreaming of all the things i get to do when the kids return to school on tuesday (also my 15th wedding anniversay). simple things like finishing a book, or enjoying time to myself, or getting into the silent prince's room to clean it up. we got the alert today that schools won't open until next tuesday because too many places in town are without power.

and speaking of my anniversary... i have been telling hubby that i wanted to see cowboys and aliens ever since i happened upon a preview on line. i've waited all summer in hopes that it would still be out and we could see it on our annivesrary. the last showing of it anywhere in our area is tonight in about an hour. so much for that idea.

as i've said before: if i'm wrong and it isn't resurection, but reincarnation then i must have been a real bitch in my past life.

God's peace and good karma y'all

Monday, August 29, 2011

come on irene

the sun is now shining outside my door and i feel almost guilty for having complained so much about my vacation being such a wreak when so many people were affected by irene.

we made it home on saturday after spending another night in a hotel in easton, pa. i battened down the hatches as hubby ran to the store to buy up whatever was left on the shelves. i spent pretty much all of yesterday sleeping and trying to recover from the trip. my body still aches from the stress, weather, and the battening down, but that's how it goes.

typically i try to look on the bright side of things; looking at the positives keeps me from completely falling apart. i was able to spend lots of quality time with znephew and my mom; swimming in the pool with the silent prince who became fearless in the deep end by the second day; my fabulous sil made me scones when there were no more pop tarts; i hung out in the hot tub with my brother; and ate really good food even if we never had a chance to go out for a meal. 

i'm still dissapointed by all of it. this was the first time i have left one of our vacations without looking forward to the next one. we were all just too busy getting out of the obx house to think about the things that were wonderful.

i didn't take very many pictures on vacation. i suppose i thought there would be more time to do picture taking, but i did take some:

the silent prince with his ipad

the princess kitty in the front seat

znephew standing on his own with gmom

God's peace y'all


really, that's an actual place. i know this because i am currently at a country inns & suites in spotsylvania, va.

it's not exactly where i expected to be this evening. i thought that i would be at a nice vacation house in kitty hawk, nc on the outerbanks enjoying a night out with my brother and sister-in-law. maybe we would have agreed upon a movie at the only theatre on the banks; maybe we would be having too much fun eating good food and drinking way-too-expensive funky drinks; maybe after dinner we would have headed home and taken a swim in the pool or sat in the hot tub. i would have shown off whatever beautiful bag that hubby bought me at the coach outlet for our upcoming 15th wedding anniversay

maybe we would have eaten the left-over cake that the princess kitty and i worked on most of yesterday to celebrate z-nephew's 1st and 1/12th birthday.

but i'm in spotsylvania, va. the cake was never even cut into. it's possible that it was thrown in the trash. i asked both hubby and my dad to deal with it when i wasn't witness to it. i threw the dollor store birthday decorations in the trash this morning. i have no new coach bag; i have a keychain that i got at a surf shop on monday.
irene sent us packing after a mandatory evacuation for all visitors to the obx was put into effect at 8am this morning. at least we heard about it last night... just enough time for the princess kitty to turn into a puddle of uncontrollable tears- enough for both of us - just enough time to get yet another (this would be the 2nd time we changed her ticket) plane ticket for our terrific-texan sitter- just enough time to find a hotel room -really cheap - in spotsylvania, va.
the hotel is very nice, got great reviews on priceline, and is attached to a denny's so we could grab some food before check-in. it also has an indoor pool- so i would be able to take the kids swimming, which we should have been doing on a PERFECT beach day, but couldn't because we had a mandatory evacuation this morning.
denny's was actually yummy and check-in easy. we put all our junk on one of those carts and i was just putting the milk in the mini-fridge when the alarms sounded.
yes, gentle readers, alarms.
being the mom that i am- i was certain that the silent prince had set them off somehow. as i told the women behind the front desk, it wouldn't have been the first time. but it was most likely the boom of thunder or one of the bolts of lightening now going off that had set off the alarms.
the firetruck coming to see what all the ruckus was about
it's been storming ever since. seriously.
at least the pool is open until 10 so there is still a shot that i can take the princess kitty swimming before bed.
God's peace y'all

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

this is my life - deal with it!

life is difficult. it's one of those lessons we learn as children and grow older. usually it begins with the lesson: life isn't fair, but as we mature the lesson also matures. i've come to bemoan the fact that nothing is ever easy, even the stuff in my life which should be easy is usually complicated and difficult. there are all sorts of reasons for this. I could list them all, but that isn't the point of this post.

the point is that i do own big girl panties and i wear them on a regular basis. i might compain or procrastinate, but i put them on and deal with what needs dealing with every day. when things don't get done - well there are only so many hours in the day and only so many of them when i am capable of doing everything that needs doing.

the point is that my dear hubby also owns big boy undies and he wears his everyday too. sure there are lots of times when he puts pj pants on top of them, but he works a full-time job, and still gets the kids on the bus every morning and makes dinner for us every night. he deserves a break and rarely ever gets the kind he deserves.

the point is that my 12 year old princess kitty has her own big girl panties and despite the fact that they are several sizes too big for her she wears them regularly and keeps them up. she fights to be an actual kid, but you can tell by looking into her eyes that she's tired of grown-up responsibilities and worries.

the point is that my 9 year old silent prince is still in diapers. he doesn't wear big boy undies and who knows if he ever will. do i wish this fact was different? do you think it's been easy changing diapers for the last 12 years? do you really think that i'm looking forward to trying to clean his poop when he's 11? 15? 21?

so the real point is don't make it harder on me - or on us. if you want to help- OMG thank you, but don't think that you are being helpful by telling us what to do or by judging what we are already doing. we are already doing more than we can handle and all of us are more than willing to explain why we

have a lock on his door - so he won't play in traffic in the middle of the night or empty the contents of the refridgerator onto the kitchen floor when we have to go to the bathroom -

don't put any furniture in his room - because he literally destroys it and sometimes hurts himself in the process -

have special wall board on his walls - because he's a smearer and poop is hard to clean off of drywall -

don't come visit - because your home isn't silent prince-proofed and we will feel horrible when he destroys, unintentially, all the nice things you have -

have a messy home - because we could spend 24 hours a day cleaning up and it would still get trashed when he plays

don't just send him away to a residential home - because even though it might make life easier on a day to day basis we need his smile, and kisses, and laughter to be a complete family.

and we are doing the very best that we can. we would love the help, but the system is set up so that it's near-impossible to get it and i don't have that extra 10 hours a day to wait on hold with one government agency only to be told that they don't do that so i will have to call the government agency that i was on hold with 10hours the day before who told me that they didn't handle those kinds of cases and i would need to call the government agency i was on the phone with now. (what, you didn't understand that sentence? welcome to social services!)


God's peace y'all

Saturday, August 06, 2011

still searching

avalon, it seems is not so easy to find. it is elusive and the pathway there is rocky and filled with battles of all kinds. i chose avalon because it is perhaps my favorite mystical literary places. the only other one that comes close is narnia. but there is a difference between arriving in avalon and arriving in narnia.

being transported to narnia just happened. the sons of adam and the daughters of eve simply passed through a doorway and poof, there they were. it only happened when they were doing the ordinary and not expecting it and it only happened when they were needed. narnia was a world of wonder, magic, and beauty it was also a world in need and they were called when a great evil arose that needed to be conquered.

avalon always seemed, to me, to be a reverse of that. one reached avalon after the battle, after the trial, after the heartache. it wasn't heaven, but a resting place to be rejuvenated and healed so that one could return to the other side of the lake with the knowledge, strength, and proper weapons needed to continue the fight.

sometimes i think i make it there, but it always seems like too brief of a moment. i reach it's shores only to be called back to the real world. i get the quick fix, the band aid on the wound before returning to the front line. or i get there only to be handed the magical weapon, but then i'm sent back without the proper training on how to use it.

it all seems so bleak, doesn't it? and yet i keep searching.

tomorrow i'm supplying at one of my favorite congregations. they are always so happy to have me there and i feel comfortable being there. i enjoy them and they always seem to enjoy me. the gospel reading is matthew 14:22-33 . the quick version of the story is that the disciples are on a boat, in a storm. suddenly they see jesus walking on the water and peter tells jesus to comand him to walk on the water to where jesus is. peter starts walking, but before he can reach jesus the waves and the storm scare him and he starts to sink. he calls out for jesus to save him and immediately jesus reaches out his hand to him.

i believe i can walk on water, not literally of course, but i believe i can fight the necessary battles. i can be strong and courageous; slay the dragons; and rescue the damsal in distress, but there are times ~ so many times ~ that i am suddenly too aware of the storm raging around me and i start to sink.

fear and doubt should never be the end of anyone's story. when morgan le fay takes king arthur's mortally wounded body to die and be buried in avalon his tombstone reads "here lies arthur the once and future king" and his story lives on and on in constant hope.

hope is the conqueror of fear and doubt. hope begets faith and faith begets hope. when faith falters, hope reaches out it's hand and when hope seems lost... faith pulls it back into existence.

i have faith in God and in restoration and i continue to hope that in my quest to find avalon i will experience sacred moments and witness wonders.

may you all have those same moments in your quests-

peace y'all


"and vivian followed."

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket