yeah, i've been going through a crisis of faith. it happens sometimes even to the most faithful of us where we start to doubt or get really, really mad at God. and the other night i had reached the climax of everything i've been feeling.
someone told me that i've been handling this situation with grace and faith. maybe, but all i know is the other night i was done with grace and faith and trust in God. it was over. i told hubby, "i don't even want to believe in God anymore."
having a crisis of faith is not always a bad thing. sometimes it is an important part of growing in faith. if you always believe blindly, never question, or struggle with belief it can begin to lack substance.
there is a german word that martin luther used called anfectung. as far as i can tell it doesn't have a true english translation; the closest you can come is: struggle.
i have been suffering from anfectung; this struggle of belieing that God really does care about what is happening to me and that in the end it will be ok. but it's more than that too. it's about the struggle between living the trust i have in God and wanting to say to hell with you, i don't want to do this anymore and you can't make me.
it's a rock hard place to be.
so today i decided to go through the motionss and went to a stewardship meeting with 2 very dedicated members of the congregation, made two communion visits, and then had soup and lenten devotions with 8 people. the princess kitty was my communion assistant and lead grace at dinner; she'll be 7 in may.
and i put a new cd in my car: the five blind boys of alabama and listened to them sing "too many troubles... gotta take 'em all to the Lord." sometimes when i have trouble praying i've found music the place to go. i've never been one to listen to praise music or christian rock (i much prefer actual rock), but gospel... there is nothing like it when you are feeling despair deep down into your bones. it was like my own personal chelation (the treatment the silent prince is getting to remove the lead from his system, including his bones.)
and then i went to my friends at the dps only to discover that there were over 25 posts offering me prayers.
"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words." romans 8:26.
i still feel weak, but i can hear the Spirit sighing loud and clear.
and i'm beginning to think that it's ok if i'm suffering from anfectung. it sucks, but it's ok.
and while my crisis is far from over, i'm beginning to think it will eventually be over.
God's peace y'all and some for me too.