yeah, i've been going through a crisis of faith. it happens sometimes even to the most faithful of us where we start to doubt or get really, really mad at God. and the other night i had reached the climax of everything i've been feeling.
someone told me that i've been handling this situation with grace and faith. maybe, but all i know is the other night i was done with grace and faith and trust in God. it was over. i told hubby, "i don't even want to believe in God anymore."
having a crisis of faith is not always a bad thing. sometimes it is an important part of growing in faith. if you always believe blindly, never question, or struggle with belief it can begin to lack substance.
there is a german word that martin luther used called anfectung. as far as i can tell it doesn't have a true english translation; the closest you can come is: struggle.
i have been suffering from anfectung; this struggle of belieing that God really does care about what is happening to me and that in the end it will be ok. but it's more than that too. it's about the struggle between living the trust i have in God and wanting to say to hell with you, i don't want to do this anymore and you can't make me.
it's a rock hard place to be.
so today i decided to go through the motionss and went to a stewardship meeting with 2 very dedicated members of the congregation, made two communion visits, and then had soup and lenten devotions with 8 people. the princess kitty was my communion assistant and lead grace at dinner; she'll be 7 in may.
and i put a new cd in my car: the five blind boys of alabama and listened to them sing "too many troubles... gotta take 'em all to the Lord." sometimes when i have trouble praying i've found music the place to go. i've never been one to listen to praise music or christian rock (i much prefer actual rock), but gospel... there is nothing like it when you are feeling despair deep down into your bones. it was like my own personal chelation (the treatment the silent prince is getting to remove the lead from his system, including his bones.)
and then i went to my friends at the dps only to discover that there were over 25 posts offering me prayers.
"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words." romans 8:26.
i still feel weak, but i can hear the Spirit sighing loud and clear.
and i'm beginning to think that it's ok if i'm suffering from anfectung. it sucks, but it's ok.
and while my crisis is far from over, i'm beginning to think it will eventually be over.
God's peace y'all and some for me too.
5 comments:
bless you in this. It takes guts to admit a crisis of faith - but as you do, God meets you. And it's awesome.
((((cats)))
Anfechtung (there's an 'h' in there) is translated by AltaVista's Babel Fish Translation as "contestation." Fechtung is translated as "fencing." It's really about a clash, a warring, an attack.
Last Wednesday we were smeared with ashes and told to remember that we're dust and to dust we shall return. I remind myself that that ashen smear is in the shape of a cross, the same cross rubbed on our heads with oil when we were baptized. The reminder of our mortality on Ash Wednesday is also a reminder of the promises spoken over us when we were baptized.
Go ahead and rant. Go ahead and fight against the attacks, the 'anfechtung.' As Luther always did, remind yourself that not only are you mortal and "to dust you shall return" but that you're baptized and there is Life from the dust.
If you feel like it, pop over to my blog and read my Ash Wednesday sermon from some years ago. It's one of the few sermons I'm particularly proud of and one that I've received a number of compliments on over time. It might help.
And as I said over at DPS. Don't hesitate to seek help from a therapist or counselor when you need it.
Shalom
The most Faith-full (as opposed to faithful) people I know, including myself, have gone through just what you have described. It is very hard. However, in some ways I think it recharges our batteries. Sometimes we need to experience what its like to doubt, to not believe, to resist, in order to ultimately feel refreshed and reconnected to our faith. You're in my prayers.....and so is your son. I'm sorry you're going through so much right now. Be gentle with yourself.
hugsss
and while my crisis is far from over, i'm beginning to think it will eventually be over.
Good, honey. Good. It will be. Sometimes knowing that nothing lasts is a true consolation for me. I'm glad you're finding consolation somewhere.
Thank you also for the beautiful words you wrote in my blog. Grandma gave us a party as her last gift and got us all together. I love it. *hug*
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