Monday, September 12, 2005


two years ago i was diagnoised with depression. i wasn't suprised when i finally figured it out. depression has a history with my family. it manifested itself by constant crying. i often tell people that i began to cry one day and didn't stop for three weeks. anything could trigger episodes of massive crying bouts. one day ou neighbor dropped off a crate of fresh ears of corn. two days later i went to put one in the microwave for lunch and couldn't find them. hubby had thrown the rest out because they had started to go bad. i reacted as though my best friend in the world had just died. it wasn't that the corn was gone and i couldn't have any; it was that there was one more thing that wasn't going right.

i was lucky. one of my colleagues was also a therapist. wheni told her that i thought i might be depressed she asked when i was coming in for a session. when i told her that money had become an issue (another big depression trigger) she stopped charging me, actually refused to take my money. and my doctor, without hesitation put me on zoloft. within days of beginning my meds i was a different person.

at first i was embarrassed by it, but as time went on i realized that it was just like any other illness. i wouldn't be embarrassed by being a diabetic would i? of course not. i don't go around broadcasting the fact that i have depression, but i have become pretty open about it. i've found that sometimes it helps to know that other people "get" what it feels like. i've needed that and other people have needed to know that i know.

after the family moved (back in december) i made the mistake of letting my prescription laspe. it wasn't intentional. i couldn't find the script and then i didn't have another doctor yet.

and then, in the middle of the summer, i felt some of the tell-tale signs: i felt weepy for no reason, easily annoyed, tired, had no ambition for anything. i put off going to see the new doctor until a friend of mine (who also has depression) made me call the doctor and make an appointment. she too, like my other doctor, wrote up a script right away. i also asked her for a sleeping pill. i wasn't sleeping (another sign) and i just wanted something to get me back on track.

i dropped the scripts off at the pharmacy and went to pick them up the next day only to discover that my insurance no longer covers zoloft (a much prescribed anti-depressant) and the co-pay on the sleeping pills was $48.00. i told the woman behind the counter that was enough to keep me up at night and make me depressed.

so... i found another way to get to sleep at night and the doctor prescribed another drug which was covered just as i got strep throat and had to go on anti-biotics. my doctor wants me to wait to start the anti-depressant until i'm done the anti-biotics... so i wait another six days to begin.

what really frustrates me is that my insurance co, which is one of the better ones, would do this to me. now, i was able to deal with the whole mess... though had this been two years ago i would have had a psychotic break right there at the pharmacy counter of the cvs.

but there are people out there who would have been absolutely crippled by something like this. as my friend, the boston pobble, would say and did say: agencies do this on purpose just to make people give up.

and that really is enough to keep me up at night and make me depressed.


HeyJules said...

Well, to say that I can relate to this post would be a bit of an understatement. I had a similar problem where I went on a second antidepressant that made me suicidal and I actually had a nurse tell me over the phone that "my doctor was out of town and I would just need to keep taking the meds until he got back NEXT week."

Ummm...I'm sorry...what part of SUICIDAL did you miss??? Standing up for yourself at that point is next to impossible and I made sure my doctor got an earful when he finally made it back into town. Of course, I had already bypassed said nurse and found a doctor who cared enough to switch me over without my "waiting it out."

People who have never experienced depression will never understand. And how could they, really? But hey, have a little compassion, people!

Jacklyn Hyde said...

The more we crazy broads talk about our mental / emotional illnesses, the less we'll be seen as crazy broads. Health care is covering fewer medicines by the day, as I found when I had to stop taking allergy medicine because I could get Claritin over the counter. Hello, it doesn't work for my allergies! It's the exact same problem, but it's even worse because of the stupid stigma clouding perception of mental illness.

In the meantime, run around with your kids as much as you can. They're a lot of fun, and the exercise will help with your seretonin levels. I'm serious. It's the only reason I don't mind the four block walk to my car after work!

RickinVa said...

Hey gal, thinking and praying for ya...

Makes me wanna punch my insurance guy...

RickinVa said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Sue said...

Hello friend....I'm so sorry to hear that you are in the shadow place, and even sadder to hear that insurance company nonsense has added to an already bad situation.

Hold on, and know that there are plenty of prayers being offered for you from way up north in Canada.

It's curious, isn't it, how many of clergy-types are affected by depression and anxiety (my particular brand of the "black dog")? I would love to see some stats on that....

My first attack was in 2001, the next in 2003, and now it's 2005. I'm still on meds, feeling ok, but I never stop wondering when it will be back....

I wish you peace, healing, and a glimpse of God's presence in the shadows.

"and vivian followed."

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